Highly Tasteless Mangled Layout

In March 2007 I found the following lying around on my hard disk; it appears to date from 2005/October/11th. So, naturally, I tidied it up and made it into a web page. I suspect I was only half awake when I wrote it; unfortunately, memory of the dream faded before I could account for more of HTML's tags.

I have just had a dream in which His Noodliness revealed to me the true origins of HTML. I guess TimBL must thus be his prophet.

Since the point of the web is to let graphic artists and kindred designers show off their swanky design skills, it's vital to provide an I'M Gay element, IMG, to enable the design community to tell you all about themselves. Naturally, its users need to be able to specify their penile dimensions – how thick it is (width) and how tall it stands (height) – and whether they dress to the left or to the right (align). As with all life-style choices, it is crucial to be loud and proud about what alternative you have chosen: hence the ALT attribute, which is now mandatory. In deference to His Noodliness one may also specify a sauce attribute, SRC.

Lame dorks have feelings too, so the web also provides the BLINK element, just for them. This generous piece of out-reach works for all parties: the (painfully slowly emerging) lame dork pride movement has, at last, something to rally around, a way for its members to come out of the closet and declare their pride in their lameness and their dorkiness; and the rest of us can recognise instantly, by their use of the BLINK element, when we have stumbled onto one of their web pages. It is to be hoped that the remaining closet lame dorks will get over their shyness and finally save us all a lot of clicks by adopting this simple mechanism for letting us all know as soon as possible.

The web also provides for the delivery of text. While a picture can sometimes be worth a thousand words (and invariably costs at least that much in band-width), some site visitors lack the true hoopiness to appreciate a picture's meaning without some explanation. Besides, there are some forms of narcissism which work better verbally. In the interests of enabling the design community to express their artistic talents to the full, it is naturally possible to specify the colour and font to be used to display text. When you need to take a pee, it's necessary to pause from what you are doing, hence there must be a pee element, P, to indicate breaks in the text.

Valid CSSValid HTML 4.01 Written by Eddy.